Back To Me
by Sanqhian
Summary: Speed's not himself anymore. His friends are worried about him and go to great lengths to bring him back. But will all their efforts fail? [slash, please see note inside]
1. Everything Changes

**Title:** Back to Me

**Warnings: **Slash, angst, violence, language.

**Note:** This is a really over-due sequel to my story _Love Apart._ However!! There's no need to read the first story unless you want to.

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**Chapter One: Everything Changes**

_About a month later…_

"You think he's ever going to act like himself again?" Delko asked Calleigh as they both watched Speed pull into the parking lot on his motorcycle. "Ever since that incident in New York he's been more withdrawn and distance. Or is it just me that's noticed it?"

Calleigh shook her head. "No, I've noticed it too. So has Horatio. He was just talking to me about it yesterday. He's worried that Speed's going to have a relapse or completely breakdown. After all, he went on that little vacation to deal with a problem he had and look where it got him. Now he won't talk about what happened to him there or what happened afterward. There really is need to be concerned for him." She placed a hand on Delko's arm and kissed his cheek. "Maybe you can corner him and get him to say something, anything that's not related to a case. I miss the old Speed."

"So do I," Delko agreed before she walked off, most likely heading for the gun vault.

He stood by the entrance to the lab a little longer while he watched Speed through the glass. It shouldn't amaze him how much things can change in a month. Two months ago Speed was working at the lab and they were finally starting to settle back into the groove of things after his shooting accident. Had he known that Speed needed to talk about the events of that day he would have pressed him into it. But maybe he was being naïve and he wanted to believe that Speed really was okay. Too bad things never turned out that way. Instead his best friend took off and met up with two other guys; who then came looking for him when Speed got pissed and left them behind. That was the first time Delko learned that Speed was gay. In all the years that they had been friends he had never known and he felt a little resentful that Speed never told him.

However, he quickly got over that. He had heard the recount of what happened from their boss, Horatio. How Speed had fled to New York and gotten involved in a sex crime that had taken place. Nothing like being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Speed had only been walking by, but he came across the rape and chased the guy. Later that same guy got his hands on Speed and took him hostage, torturing him and even shooting him in the leg. Now he was back at work again. Only a week had passed since he'd begun to work and they already noticed the major change in his personality and mood.

As Calleigh had said herself, Speed had become more withdrawn, more distance. He only spoke when he had to tell them something about the evidence he tested. He wasn't allowed back in the field as he was still slightly limping from the shot to his leg. He even still wore a light knee brace for the extra strength. Every night when shift ended he would gather his things from his locker and leave without saying anything to anyone. He never went out with them for drinks and dinner. He no longer wanted to hang out on the weekends.

Delko turned away from the door and began to head into the maze of the lab. It wasn't long before he ran into their red-haired boss, Horatio. The older man was looking over a sheet of paper. He was coming out of the DNA room and Delko could see Valera busily working away inside. "You look like you've lost your best friend, Eric. What's bothering you?"

"It's Speed, haven't you noticed that he's changed so much?" Delko pointed out, his arms crossed over his chest.

"Yes, I have. A lot of things have changed, though," Horatio offered him a smile.

No truer words had ever been spoken. As far as Delko knew, no one in the lab was aware that he and Horatio were still at the beginning of a budding relationship that went beyond the boss-employee standards. There was the new CSI that Horatio was forced to hire because of Speed's inability to work scenes anymore. Delko didn't mind having Ryan around but the new CSI probably made Speed feel even worse.

"He never should have sent them away, H," Delko said, shaking his head. "I bet he misses them. He just doesn't have the courage to call them up and say so."

"Perhaps you should call them," offered H as he looked at his young charge. "I have Mac's phone number in my office. I'll give him a ring later this afternoon. And I have the number for the crime lab out in Las Vegas, maybe I can get a hold of CSI Willows and take things from there. Meanwhile, I need you to take Calleigh and head over back to our crime scene. According to this"- he held up the piece of paper- "we may have missed something important to the case. I want this man behind bars for good this time."

"I hear you," Delko said as they parted company. As he went in search of his long last blond-haired Southern friend he hoped that Horatio was able to get somewhere with Mac and Willows. They had to do something to make Speed feel better before he went off the deep end again. They had to do something to get the old Speed back. They just had to. He couldn't take the silent days. He missed his best friend. He wanted to talk to him about Horatio, about how life was changing. But how could he when he couldn't even get the sullen man to say 'hello' in the morning?

Calleigh was right where he expected to find her, in the gun vault. Ryan was with her and she was explaining something about guns to him. He knocked on the doorframe to alert them to his presence before he walked into the room. "We've got work to do, Cal," he told her, nodding a greeting to Ryan. "And I do believe that Horatio is going to want you up in the lab working Trace."

Ryan frowned. "With Speed? Why can't I go out with Calleigh and you stay behind to work Trace? It's a bit creepy working with someone who won't talk. I've heard all the stories and I know he's a great investigator but man needs to get some help."

"We're working on it," Delko retorted, his voice taking on an edge. He didn't like anyone attacking Speed, who, even despite his problems, was his best friend. "Let's go. I think it might get a bit stormy out later today and I don't really feel up to taking another shower today."

They left Ryan behind in the gun vault and gathered their things. They passed Speed in the reception area. He was looking over a piece of paper, no doubt it was a message left for him. He was leaning up against one of the walls to take the pressure of his leg. Delko knew that he'd told Horatio it didn't hurt anymore but none of them really believed him. They could tell. They knew him well enough to know when he was in physical and emotional pain.

"Morning man," Delko said as they waited for the elevator. Speed looked at him, at least acknowledging the fact that he was there but he didn't say anything in reply. It had been like that all week. When was it going to end?


	2. Don't Wast my Time

**Title:** Back to Me

**Warnings: **Slash, angst, violence, language. The usual.

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**Chapter Two: Don't Waste my Time**

Delko and Calleigh were out for the better part of the day. And much to Calleigh's amazement, it did rain. The storm was violent but only lasted a matter of twenty minutes. They had both been able to reach shelter before the rain began to fall. They couldn't stop from laughing though. The situation just called for it. And they needed to a good laugh. Though they were both thinking of Speed and were worried about him they didn't want to discuss it further. There was work to be done in catching a serial killer that had slipped through their fingers twice before. All the evidence they had gathered from those first crimes wasn't sufficient enough to get a trial against the man. Hopefully they would find what they were looking for this time around. After all, something had to go right for once, didn't it? The last month had been a rough one. It was time for things to improve.

"I'll get started on this stuff," Calleigh said when they arrived at the lab. "I can drop most of it off with Ryan and Speed. Those new swabs I'll take to Valera. Hopefully one of them finds something now that our crime scene has been washed clean."

"Alright," agreed Delko. "I'm just going to run by Horatio's office real quick before I join the boys and start sorting through this stuff."

Delko, his hands in his pockets, headed for Horatio's office. The door was closed so he knocked and waited until he was called in. When H gave him the okay, he slipped through the door making sure to close it behind him. His boss was sitting behind his desk looking over some paperwork. He had been doing that a lot lately. Probably stuff sent down from the people in charge. They had been particularly nosy lately with all of Speed's problems. Every day it was like Horatio had to send in a report on how well the new CSI and Speed were coping with things. Hopefully Speed didn't lose his job. That would definitely make things worse.

"Did you get anywhere, H?" Delko ask as he fell into one of the chairs across from the older man.

"I have been unable to get a hold of CSI Willows," answered Horatio, as he leaned back in his chair. "My guess is that she won't return any phone calls until later tonight when she is on shift. I was able to get a hold of Mac Taylor. We had a pleasant conversation regarding both Speed and Danny. Seems that Danny hasn't really been himself lately either. From what I gathered, he nearly got himself killed the other day when he stepped over the line. Good thing there were officers around to prevent anyone from being hurt."

Delko absently scratched his ear. "We need to get both Danny and Nick back out here if we can. Though if we can get just one that wouldn't be so bad. I think Speed really needs to see them. They need to sort out whatever it is that happened between them."

"Mac said he had already suspended Danny for the next two days. He was happy to pass along a message for me. I don't doubt that we'll be seeing our New York friend before too long," Horatio assured him. "Now on to other matters. What did you get from the crime scene?"

"Well, as you know it began to rain..."

The last few hours of their shift dwindled. Before any of them knew their shift was over. It was time to gather their things and head home. Ryan bid Alexx and Calleigh goodbye before taking off into the night. He never stuck around long saying that he wanted to get home and study. He was taking this new role as crime scene investigator very seriously. Calleigh had to admit that it was kind of cute. If only Ryan knew how much he was reminding her of Speed. The women left talking about plans to take Alexx's kids to the zoo over the weekend. Calleigh loved spending time with Alexx and her two kids when she wasn't out running around with Delko and Speed. Not that any of them had been doing much partying since Speed's return.

Horatio had sent Delko on a little mission to catch the quiet CSI before he left the lab for the night. With luck he found Speed in the Trace lab putting the rest of the evidence away safely into the safe before shutting the door and making sure it was locked. When he looked up to see Delko standing in the doorway he looked startled by the look quickly faded away. It was almost as though he were afraid to show his feelings to anyone. He took off his white lab coat preparing to leave.

"Hey, why don't you come over to my place for dinner tonight? There's something I want to talk to you about," he spoke, making sure to keep his voice even and friendly. He didn't want any concern or desperation to slip out. "I thought maybe we could order some pizza, have a couple of beers, and maybe play a video game or watch a movie. Why do you say?"

Speed didn't say anything. He just stood there, his hands on the table, his eyes looking down. Delko was standing in the doorway, the only entrance and exit to the room. He had done it on purpose.

"Come on, man," Delko smiled, keeping his voice upbeat. "You can't tell me that you enjoy going home every night. Why not come out, have some fun. For old time sakes."

Speed still didn't offer a response.

Delko tried one more time to get anything out of the other man. "We could go club-hopping if that's what you want to do. Go to the movies. Whatever you want. Come on, I miss hanging out with you."

This time he must have said something that broke through the barrier that Speed had surrounded himself with. "Leave me alone. I don't feel like wasting time on things that aren't important."

His voice was soft, almost a whisper. Delko was taken aback by what he heard and he didn't care about being nice anymore. "I don't know what the hell is wrong with you, Speed, but I'm not going to hang around forever. Friendship is a two-way street, buddy. And at the rate you're going you aren't going to have any more friends. You aren't even going to have a job. Don't you realize what you're doing? You're alienating everyone, Speed. Why can't you just talk about whatever it is that's bothering you? Why don't you just call them?" He blurted out the last part, instantly regretting it.

Speed flinched. But said nothing. He grabbed his portable CD player and brushed passed Delko to get out the door. As he passed Delko could have sworn he saw a hint of tears in the other man's eyes.


	3. Still

**Title:** Back to Me

**Warnings: **Slash, angst, violence, language.

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**Chapter Three: Still**

Back at Horatio's place Delko left is shoes by the front door and went in search of the bathroom. He wanted to take a long hot shower before he sat down to dinner with H and talked about the various things that popped into their heads. Surely tonight they would discuss Speed and his problems, the lab, the case they were working on, and everything else under the sun. They never really seemed to converse about their new relationship and where it was going. Not that he really minded. It would just be nice to clarify things, to get a firm understanding of where he stood when it came to his boss. He didn't want to thing of H as his lover. They hadn't even really kissed. They spent a lot of time together at H's house but that was because Delko couldn't bear to go home. Too many happy memories of times he spent with a happier Speed awaited him every time he crossed the threshold into his own place. Sure, there were pictures of the entire team scattered throughout H's house but it wasn't the same.

He hopped in the shower and let the hot water wash away his problems. How could he have been so rude to his best friend when it was clear that Speed needed help? How could he have said the things that he did? It was just the anger and frustration getting to him. He wasn't going to leave Speed stranded in the dark. Not ever. They had been through too much together for him to just walk away. He would stand beside him even if he really did want him there. But what had changed? After returning from the hospital the first time they had been able to pick up right where they left off. No one would ever believe that they spent any time apart. Maybe because Delko split his time between work and spending time with Speed until he was better, until he was allowed to work again. Then he ran off.

That's when everything changed.

He shut off the water and dried himself with a towel he had left on the bathroom counter. A fresh change of clothes were folded neatly beside it. He had brought a few of his things over since he rarely went home. Horatio never seemed to mind having Delko over every night. Perhaps tonight he would touch upon the subject that they really needed to discuss. As important as Speed was, there were other things they needed to get out in the open. He finished getting dressed before he left exited the bathroom, leaving his dirty work clothes in the hamper.

Horatio was busy in the kitchen making them dinner. Every night Delko would offer to make the food but Horatio would just smile and politely turn him away. Who would have known that their boss liked to cook so much? He sat at one of the stools at the breakfast nook. There was already a cold bottle of beer waiting for him. He took a sip for extra courage to bring up what was on his mind.

"H, we need to talk," he started out slowly, boldly.

Horatio glanced over at him. He was standing in front of the stove stirring something in a pot that was making the house smell lovely. "You aren't still worried about Speed, are you? We've already done what we can, Eric. Now it's time for everything else to fall into place."

"I didn't want to talk about that," Delko replied, clearing his throat. He began to absently shred a napkin that had been placed beside his bottle of beer. "I wanted to talk about us. What we're doing, what it all means."

"I see," Horatio said. Delko wasn't really sure but it sounded like H was uncomfortable, like he didn't want to discuss the situation at all. He was about to chicken out himself but this was something that needed to be done. And one way or the other they were going to talk about it.

"This is serious, H, you know," he said, his eyes on his boss. "We've practically been living together for the last week or so. Even when I don't stay over I still come over for dinner after work. You have feelings for me and I have them for you. So why can't we just get it out in the open and move forward? Why do we have to dance around like two high school kids?"

Horatio placed the spoon on a towel on the counter before turning to Delko, giving him his fill attention. "I guess I've just been trying to figure it all out myself. Between work and hiring a new recruit and dealing with Speed I really haven't had the chance to sit and think. I'm sorry, Eric. If you really want to get this out in the open than we'll talk."

He smiled somewhat shyly. "I do want to get this out in the open. I want to know how you really feel about me. About us. Where is this going?"

Horatio smiled as he walked across the tiled kitchen floor. He leaned on the counter, just inches from Delko. "You want to know how I feel. Is that so?" He placed a hand behind Delko's head and leaned in to kiss him. Their lips met in a warm and loving clash for the first time. Delko felt the familiar stirring in his groin. Horatio pulled away. "Does that answer your question?"

Delko was only able to nod. It would take him a few minutes to process what had just happened. Horatio went back to standing in front of the stove and a few minutes later he asked Delko if he would go set the table. Grabbing two plates and the silverware Delko went into the dining room. He had just finished getting everything in place when the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it," he called out, assuming that Horatio was still busy in the kitchen. The sound of clinking dishes proved him right. He walked briskly to the door wondering who would be calling. When he pulled the door open he just stood there in bewilderment.

"May I come in?" Nick asked, looking over Delko's shoulder into the house beyond.

"Nick, welcome, what a surprise, come in," Horatio said, having come to see who was at the door for himself. Delko stepped aside to let the other man in. "What brings you to Miami?"

"I'm pretty sure you know," Nick smiled tentatively.

"We're just about to have dinner, why don't you join us? We can all talk then," Delko suggested as the initial shock wore off. He placed a hand on Nick's shoulder. The CSI from Las Vegas looked tired, like he'd been on the road far longer than he should have. There was a wariness in his eyes.

"That would be nice," he replied with a nod.

Delko quickly set another place at the table for Nick while Horatio began to pass out the food he'd made. The aromas coming from the various dishes made Delko's stomach growl. Nick's stomach let out a louder growl and they all chuckled over it. It was what they needed to break the tension in the air. They sat down to eat, Horatio at one end, Delko at the other and Nick in between. Another few minutes passed before either one of them talked.

"So, Nick, how are things back in Las Vegas?" Horatio asked to be nice, deciding that making polite chit-chat before getting to point would be better.

"They're okay. My boss is sleeping with Sarah and neither one of them seems to realize that the rest of us know," he told them with a devilish twinkle in his eyes. "Greg, our resident lab geek turned field investigator, is in a bit of hot water but he really didn't do anything wrong. He was just defending himself. Nearly got himself killed though."

"I tried getting a hold of CSI Willows this afternoon but she didn't return any of my calls," Horatio threw out into the open.

Nick looked at him and then back at his plate. "Her father died not too long ago and she's still dealing with it I guess you could say. He left a lot of unhappy people behind. She did get your calls, though. That's why I'm here."

"Really? I didn't think you could get to Miami from Las Vegas in so short a time," Delko mused, a puzzled look on his face.

"I was already in the state when she called me." Nick looked sheepish. "After what happened with Greg and then Catherine's father, finding out that Grissom was sleeping with Sarah; I guess you could say I needed a break. I wanted to talk with Tim but he won't answer his phone or call me back."

"It's good you're here," Horatio told him, his voice serious. "We're all very worried about Speed. He doesn't talk and he heads straight home after work. He has definitely become more withdrawn. Now, I talked with Mac Taylor earlier today and Danny is on his way here. He should arrive sometime tomorrow. Both of you are welcome to stay here with Delko and myself. Perhaps we can all come up with a plan to bring back the old Speed."

"That would be nice," Nick answered. "I miss not talking to him."

"I'm tired of the one way conversations," Delko admitted.

"Then we'll start working on a plan as soon as Danny arrives," confirmed Horatio. The three of them drank to it before falling into friendly conversation.


	4. Never Felt Love

**Title:** Back to Me

**Warnings: **Slash, angst, violence, language.

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**Chapter Four: Never Felt Love**

Delko wasn't the least bit bothered about spending the night in Horatio's bed. They had mutually decided that it would be best for Nick to sleep in the guest room. Eventually Danny would be joining him. That only left the couch or Horatio's room. And Horatio wouldn't hear of Delko sleeping on the sofa. He had to admit that it was a little odd to be sleeping in a bed next to his boss when they had only just kissed for the first time earlier in the night. However, deep down, it felt somewhat right to him. As though this was where he truly belonged. Now if only they could talk about what was happening between them. What if Nick or Danny asked about their relationship? What was he supposed to say? Though he figured they would understand better than anyone. It was the people he worked with, his friends, that he wasn't too sure of. Delko had noticed that all through dinner Nick had this gleam in his eye that basically said he knew what was going on.

When morning rolled around he found that he was the last one to get up. Usually he awoke bright and early. But H's bed was more comfortable than the one at his own apartment or even the bed in the spare room. He found Nick and Horatio talking over coffee at the dining table. They were going to have to leave for work in a half hour. Nick said that he would stay at Horatio's place so that someone would be around in case Danny showed. Perhaps they could all do lunch and start working on a plan to bring Speed 'round to the person he used to be. Before life dealt him one bad hand after another.

Back at the lab Calleigh was happy to chat with Delko about the plans she had made with Alexx for the weekend. He loved listening to her talk. He wasn't really sure if it was just him but he thought they had grown closer since Speed started shutting them out. Maybe he could ask her about Horatio and the way their friendship had moved to something beyond that. Instead he chose to keep it to himself. He still needed a better understanding of everything first before he started asking others for advice. Ryan and Calleigh were sent out to interview a new suspect and process the victim's apartment as soon as they could. That left Delko in the Trace Lab with Speed, who was listening to his headphones.

An hour of silence went by before Delko began to feel ignored. He looked at Speed. By now the other man was running tests with one of the machines. Delko hadn't even noticed that he'd stood up. He was happy to note that the headphones were gone. "I'm sorry," he blurted out. "I didn't mean the things that I said yesterday. I'm always going to be your friend, Speed. That is, if you want me to be."

There wasn't a reply from Speed who just continued to do his job.

Delko was feeling frustrated. How was he going to get through the shell that Speed had built around himself? "I wish you would talk to me. Hell, I wish you would talk to someone. I miss hanging out with you. There's something I need to talk about and I feel you're the only who'll understand. Why don't we grab lunch together? What do you say?" He knew that he was supposed to do lunch with Nick and Danny and Horatio but if Speed took him up on the offer than surely they would all understand.

Speed turned to him, a piece of paper in his hands. "I have to go talk to H."

That was all he said before he left Delko sitting there on the stool in the room by himself. Delko wasn't one to cry and lash out in his frustration but right now, all he wanted to do was cry. His best friend was slipping away from him right before his eyes. What did he do when he went home at night? Did he read all those science books that he had or did he sit in the dark drinking away his sorrows? Delko recalled that Danny had found him attempting to cut himself. Was that what he did when he went home at night? Did he take a knife from the kitchen and carve into his own flesh? Delko tried to remember if he seen Speed in short sleeves recently. He couldn't recall though.

He rubbed his eyes before pinching the bridge of his nose and letting out a sigh. Instead of thinking about something he couldn't solve he decided to just concentrate on the task at hand. They had to find the one solid piece of evidence to tie this guy to his latest victim. Horatio swore that killer wouldn't get away again. At the moment though, it looked like he was going to do just that. He worked right up until lunch time rolled around. Speed didn't return and he hadn't seen nor heard anything of Calleigh and Ryan. There was a knock on the door. He looked up to see Horatio waiting for him. They had a lunch date to keep.

Delko kept his concerns to himself as they drove to the restaurant where they planned to meet up with Danny and Nick. The two out of town investigators were sitting at a table outside when they arrived. Nick was leaning toward Danny and talking about something. From the look on the New Yorker's face he wasn't doing too well. Even Nick had looked better the night before. Horatio and Delko greeted them as they took their seats at the table.

"How are things in New York?" Horatio asked to be polite.

"Peachy," Danny replied dryly. "The new girl keeps hitting on me. Mac and Stella send their regards, by the way."

Delko ran a hand through his hair. "So I'm guessing that Nick filled you in on everything?" Danny nodded in reply. "Okay, good. I tried to get him to go to lunch with me this afternoon. He clearly wasn't interested though. We have got to do something for him. I'm afraid that he's going to hurt himself. He goes home every night to that empty apartment. There's no telling what thoughts are going through his mind."

"You know," Danny said softly as he looked down at the table, "everything seems somewhat off without him. I miss our monthly get togethers. I miss the basketball games, the card games, sitting there watching movies. The love that we have for each is something I've never experienced before. For the longest time I tried to understand how he could just throw it away and I still don't understand."

Horatio offered him a sympathetic smile. "If it makes you feel any better I honestly believe that he still loves you. He's just having a tough time understanding everything."

"So how are we going to get back the old Speed?" Nick asked.


	5. Tryin'

**Title:** Back to Me

**Warnings: **Slash, angst, violence, language.

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**Chapter Five: Tryin'**

Delko was sitting outside of Speed's apartment building. He didn't know what he was doing there. It wasn't part of the plan that they had discussed during lunch earlier that day. Yet, here he was, trying to get up the courage to get out of his truck and go up to Speed's apartment. For some reason the idea of springing both Danny and Nick on the poor unsuspecting CSI didn't sit well with him. He wanted to try once again to break through, to find that crack in his shell and force his way in. The numbers on his dashboard clock told him it was nearly nine at night. Horatio was probably wondering where he had wandered off to. He didn't care.

Putting his keys in his pocket he climbed out of the truck and headed for the apartment building. A storm was building on the horizon. Lightning flashed in the distance, a low rumble of thunder sounded after it. He walked through the lobby and pushed the up arrow for the elevator. Not many people were around this time of night; either they were out at the clubs or locked away safely in their homes. He was planning on finding Speed locked away in his apartment all alone. As he walked down the hallway toward the waiting door he tried to figure out just what it was that he wanted to say. But by the time he got to the door he realized that he hadn't thought of a single word. His brain was screaming out him to just turn around and go home. Meanwhile his heart was telling him that he had to go through with this. He had to do this for Speed.

He knocked on the door. After a moment of no reply he knocked again, this time adding, "Hey, Speed, open the door. It's me."

There still wasn't any answer. He tried the doorknob and found the door to be unlocked. He frowned. In all the years that he had known Speed the door was never left unlocked. It was something they all did when they got home for that added feeling of safety. He pushed the door open a crack and poked his head in. The apartment was dark save for the glow from a streetlight that was seeping through the cracks in the curtains. There weren't any sounds coming from inside.

"Speed? Hey man, you home?" he called into the darkness. "Dude, you left your door unlocked." By now he was all the way and he closed the door softly behind him. "Speed?" All he heard was the ticking off a clock that he knew was on the bathroom counter. "Tim?"

The feeling of dread that seemed to linger in the shadows waiting for the right opportunity to jump came out him full force. He had seen Speed's motorcycle downstairs. He had to be home. So why were the lights off? Why wasn't he answering? Surely he wasn't already in bed. No, he shook his head. Speed didn't sleep soundly enough. He would have heard Delko calling to him and woken up. As he walked toward the bedroom he pulled his cell phone from his pocket. Something told him he was going to need it, that something was wrong.

"Tim?" he called tentatively one more time as he stood on the other side of the closed bedroom door. He still didn't hear any sort of reply. He pushed the door open steeling himself for whatever scene he would find beyond it. And yet, when he laid eyes on the room his heart still did a flip-flop and he still felt as though the ground had fallen out from underneath him.

Speed was sitting on the bed in a pair of gray sweatpants and a black T-shirt. Blood was slowly trickling from a cut on his bottom lip and it looked like he might have a black eye. What panicked Delko, though, was the sight of the blood running down Speed's arm. There was so much of it. The rivers of red flowed from an unseen wound down the length of his lower arm and dripped off his fingers onto a towel that was sitting on the floor. Delko wanted to run up to him and demand to know what had happened but with the way Speed had been acting lately he wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

"Speed, what the hell happened?" he asked as he took carefully measured steps across the room. He came to rest in front of his friend. Speed did indeed of have a black eye. Now that he was standing directly in front of him he could also see that there was a scrape across his right cheek and a bruise forming around his neck.

"I didn't do this," was all that Speed said, his voice distant and hollow.

"No, no, I never thought that," Delko lied. Of course he had thought Speed hurt himself. But now that he was able to see all the injuries he knew that something else had happened. He flipped open his cell phone. "We gotta get you to the hospital before you go into shock." He dialed nine-one-one as he walked into the bathroom and returned with a towel. As he relayed the address to the apartment he wrapped Speed's wounded arm with the towel and held it up so that it was above his heart. He ended the call. "What happened, Speed?"

When he looked into his friend's eyes he couldn't suppress the shiver that ran down his spine. They were empty, like the life had already gone out of them. And yet, there was also this tiny glimmer of what he decided was a cry for help, a sort of pleading. "Damn ambulance," he muttered. He stood off to Speed's left side and placed an arm around his friend's back, still holding up the wounded arm. He was happy to note that Speed didn't fight him when he was pulled off the bed and made to stand. "We're going downstairs. Maybe I'll just drive you to the hospital myself. I'm worried about the blood you've lost. How long have you been sitting there?"

All of Delko's questions went unanswered as Speed continued his silent withdrawn ways. Whatever had happened was only going to be another setback. Now it was going to make things harder and make it take longer to drawn his former self out. Whoever harmed him was going to pay a high price. Delko would make sure of it.


	6. Stay

**Title:** Back to Me

**Warnings: **Slash, angst, violence, language.

* * *

**Chapter Six: Stay**

At the hospital a nurse took Speed with stern instructions that Delko was to do nothing but wait in the waiting room for a doctor. He hated being in the ER. How many times in his career had he graced this place with his presence? He was here when Speed first got shot, and not too long ago when Ryan had that incident with the nail gun. He often found himself here with a victim that needed to be rushed to the emergency room and waiting for an ambulance was out of the question. He knew most of the nurses by name and even a handful of the doctors. He knew what waiting room offered up the best coffee and the newest magazines for reading. This was almost like his second home and he didn't really relish that thought. When he was younger he never thought there would be a time when he spent so much of his life in and out of the hospital. It's amazing how life changes.

He looked at the cell phone in his hand and wondered if it would do any good to call Horatio, who would relay the message to an already anxious Danny and Nick. Did they really need anything else to worry about? He shook his head. No, they didn't need to worry even more about the man that had torn their lives asunder. However, as boss of the crime lab and a life-long friend, Horatio had a right to know. So without a second thought he hit the speed dial button on his phone and listened to it ring.

After a few minutes H picked up. Delko could hear the worry and the relief in his voice when he heard Delko on the other line. How it was all going to go to hell when he told him what he had to. Delko made it perfectly clear to Horatio that he had to keep everything quiet for the time being, that he couldn't utter a word to Danny or Nick. He than went on to tell Horatio what he had done that night, what he had come across in Speed's apartment.

It didn't surprise him that twenty minutes later Horatio was strolling through the emergency room looking for him. "You could have been more forthcoming over the phone," he said in a hushed tone. "You don't believe that he did this to himself?"

Delko shook his head. "Not in the least. I admit that when I first saw him it crossed my mind. I won't lie to you. But when I saw the bruises, the scrapes…there's no way that he did this to himself. I just don't know what happened. He wouldn't talk to me on the ride over here and I haven't gotten any news from the doctor yet." As an after thought he added, "How did you get out with them knowing what was going on?"

Horatio smiled. "I told them that something had come up at the lab with one of our case and that I was needed for a little while. The both understood. That's the best thing about them being criminalists; they understand the lifestyle so well."

"I think the best thing is that they understand the ramifications of said lifestyle," Delko stated. "They aren't going to push Speed because they know what it could lead to."

"So why did you go seem him?" asked Horatio point blank.

It took a moment for Delko to realize where Horatio was going with that question. There was more to the question than anyone else would ever think of. Horatio wanted to know why Delko was pushing to get Speed out of his shell. He wanted to know why it was so important to the younger man that his friend start talking to him again. There was a hint of worry and fear in the washed out blue eyes of his boss. And Delko knew why. His boss was afraid that Speed was more important, that once the investigator was back to his normal self there wouldn't be any need for Delko to spend the night as his house. He was afraid that Speed would come between them. Delko wasn't really sure how he felt about that little tidbit of knowledge.

"I…"

Delko stopped short of answering him. He could tell that Horatio had focused on something else, someone behind him. Looking of his shoulder he saw the doctor coming toward them. Dr Samson had been seeing Speed and most of the members of the team for the last few years. They trusted him with their lives' when they ended up in the hospital. He was a good doctor, quick to the point, never holding back the truth. They all liked him for that.

"Horatio, Delko," Dr Samson greeted, shaking their hands respectively. "If you'll come with me when can talk somewhere more private." There was a hint of something in the doctor's voice that set Delko on edge but he didn't know what it was. Their little group walked down a short hallway to the Dr Samson's own office, where he closed the door once they were all in side. "I've been looking over Tim's records and I notice that he's had a rough few months. Has he been seeing a therapist or the department psychologist, by any chance?"

"Yes," Horatio answered. "It was part of his agreement in coming back to work. He hasn't missed an appointment yet. Though I couldn't honestly tell you how they go or what gets talked about. Why do you want to know, doctor?"

Dr Samson sat in his chair. He leaned forward on his desk. "I'm concerned about the cut on his forearm. It's nearly perfectly straight and could be a result of self-harm. None of his other injuries were the result of self injury but I'm not so sure about that one. And he won't discuss it with me. I barely got ten words out of him while we treated him."

Delko frowned as he looked down at his hands. "He's been like that for so long now."

"So what are you suggesting?" Horatio asked, ignoring Delko and plunging right along. He was always about getting answers.

"I think that there's a possibility he was mugged or attacked some other way," the doctor mused aloud. "When he returned to his apartment his past troubles combined with this new one and he cut himself. The wound is relatively deep and will require stitches."

"What about the other wounds, the bruises?" asked Delko out of the blue. He didn't want to hear anymore speculation that Speed was hurting himself. It wasn't possible. This was their friend, their colleague; why couldn't they give him the benefit of the doubt?

"The black eye and the scrape and the busted lip will all heal in their own time," the doctor pointed out. He then pulled a series of photographs from a folder that had been sitting on his desk. He handed them to Horatio. "I had my nurse take these while I treated the wound in his arm. It looks to me like someone tried to strangle him. I'm no expert but the bruises aren't bad enough to say that whoever did it intended to kill him. I think they may have done it for the sheer thrill of scaring him."

Horatio studied the pictures in silence. He would want to get them to Alexx as soon as possible. If anyone was an expert on bruising it would be their medical examiner. After a moment he looked up at the doctor. "You said that you got a few words out of him. Did he tell you what had happened?"

The doctor shook his head. There was a sympathetic smile on his lips. "All he had to say was that he didn't want any visitors. He requested that we turn everyone away."

"Hm. Well, thank you," Horatio shook the doctor's hand again. "I know that you'll keep a close watch on him. Let us know if he tells you anything." He placed a hand on Delko's shoulder. "We need to call it a night. Get some sleep; look at this with fresh eyes when the morning rolls around."

Delko nodded sullenly. He was confused, conflicted. The way the doctor explained things seemed plausible. If someone had attacked Speed there would have been a reason for him to fall apart. A reason for him to try ridding his mind of those haunting thoughts. He walked quietly beside Horatio as they stepped out of the hospital into the humid night. Even the breeze coming off the ocean water didn't make it any cooler. He followed Horatio to the Hummer knowing that he would have to go home in his truck. There was something he wanted to say to H, something he felt needed to be said in a time like this.

"I'll stay," he said softly, his hands in his back pockets, his eyes cast toward the ground.

"Excuse me?" Horatio asked, unsure of what he'd heard.

"I'll stay. With you," Delko clarified. "Even when Speed does come back to us I'm not going anywhere. I don't really understand this thing between us but whatever it is, I don't want it to go away. I just want my friend back. That's all. That's why I went to see him."

Horatio surprised him by pulling him into a comforting embrace. He liked the smell of his boss's cologne, of his aftershave. "I'll see you when we get home. We can talk then. I promise. Just you and me."


	7. Somewhere Far Away

**Title:** Back to Me

**Warnings: **Slash, angst, violence, language.

* * *

**Chapter Seven: Somewhere Far Away**

The sound of the machines around him was like a lullaby he would never forget. He knew their individual beeps and hums inside and out. He knew the familiar smells, the squeak of shoes on the tiled floors. He probably knew this hospital better than the staff that worked at it. To him it seemed as though he was spending more and more time in one of the damned uncomfortable hospital beds. How long would this stay be for? A day? A week? Last time it had been two weeks and before that it had been nearly a month. He hated the damn white walls and the white ceiling. The food was nasty and he was didn't enjoy having people poke and prod him day after day. It was nearly enough to drive him insane. Yet, he made no attempt to get up and leave. There weren't any important machines hooked to him, no IV drips. All he had to do was climb out of the bed and put his clothes on. The thought was actually entertaining. What would the doctors do then? They'd probably call Horatio. Good ole Lieutenant Caine. The man who was there for everybody when they needed him.

So why did Speed feel like he was out in the cold and the dark, alone without his best friend?

The older man had become such an important part of his life over the years they worked together. They had seen so many horrible things, experienced a lot of life changing events. And yet, he couldn't find it within himself to talk with Horatio about what was going on his mind. He couldn't talk to any of them. Not sweet and caring Calleigh. Not the concerned and loving Delko. No one.

How would they react if they knew why he went home every night? What would they do if he told them about the thoughts that ran through his mind day in and day out? Would they say he was crazy? Would they pity him?

He closed his eyes. He just wanted everything to go back to the way it was. But it never would. The nightmares kept him up at night. Having been secluded in that damn basement he was too afraid to turn all the lights out, afraid that he would find himself right back there on that cold concrete floor. His paranoia almost always got the best of him. He locked the door to his apartment the minute he closed it. He no longer left the house with his gun, and even when he was home safely behind a locked door he kept the pistol within easy reach. Just in case. It was beginning to ware on his nerves. He jumped at the slightest sound. One of his neighbors could be walking down the hall to their own home and the beat of his heart would pick up.

All the talks with the psychologist were phony. He never told her the real truth for having become withdrawn and distant. As far as she knew he was doing fine, just a little quiet. He couldn't let anyone know that he was falling apart. Physically and mentally.

He hated wearing a knee brace just so that his leg had the proper support it needed. It made him feel like an invalid. He could only imagine the thoughts that would flow through the minds of victims and family members as they same him standing there with it on. Did they think he was incapable of his job? Did it make him look weak? Last weekend he had tried going without it only to be in pain by lunch time on Saturday. Apparently the muscle in his leg wasn't fully healed.

Now he was lying in the hospital once again with new cuts and bruises, new wounds that would fade physically but remain mentally. All he had wanted to do was reclaim his life. He wanted to try turning things around and getting back to the person he once was. Now he wished he had never set foot out of his apartment to go for that walk. Why those two thugs thought he had a load of money was beyond him. They way they just jumped him out of the dark, knocking his gun free, slashing his arm. He tried fighting them but everything happened so quickly. He remembered one of them trying to choke him, or was he just using it as a method to hold him down? Even now he could still feel the hands around his throat. And just like that, as suddenly as they had come, they were gone, leaving him lying on the sidewalk, bleeding, gasping for air.

He gave the room one more look over before sitting up in the bed. The blanket fell around his hips. There was no way he was going to stay in the hospital and think about what had happened. He threw the blanket aside, pulled the one wire that was attached to him free, and eased out of the bed when he didn't hear any sudden alarms go off. The brace for his knee was on a counter across the room, his clothes neatly folded beside it. On slow measure steps he crossed the room. He pulled on his pants, fixed the brace on his knee and reached for his shirt. It was harder to get on than he thought. The bandage on his lower left arm was slightly stained with blood. He didn't want to pull it off and risk getting an infection. It took him a good three minutes just to get his shirt on. He slipped his feet into his sneakers. He was actually going to do this.

Peeking out the door he made sure that the coast was clear before he left the room behind. It took him another twenty minutes before he found a door that let him out into the humid Miami night. By now the nurse was probably alerting Dr Samson to his disappearance. All hell would break loose. He didn't care in the least. He just wanted to get away. Somewhere far away. Going home wasn't optional; they would look for him there. So he walked the streets thinking of where he could go. He walked passed the police station and the lab, pausing momentarily in front of both before continuing. It was nearing midnight when he sat on a bench at a bus stop. His leg was sore and his neck hurt. He was tired, thinking it would have been best to just head home.

He felt his eyes closing as his consciousness began to slip away. The day had been long and trying. He just wanted to sleep. Even if it meant sleeping on the bench like some bum. Someone settled on the bench beside him. He could feel their presence. They spoke before he could open his eyes to see who it was.

"They're all running around town worried about you and here you are, a block or two away from the crime lab. Why did you leave the hospital, Timothy?"

Only one person called him Timothy without being mad at him. "Why are you here, Danny?" He asked, looking down the road in the opposite direction. Delko was leaning against his truck looking at the two of them.

"Because I miss you," Danny answered him. "We have a lot of talking to do. You know that your boss cares a lot about you. He called both Nick and I down here. For you."

Speed turned to finally look at the man he once loved. And possibly still loved. "Go home."

"No can do," he shook his head. "I'm not leaving until I know what's wrong with you. Plus, I've been put on probation. Mac is tired of dealing with my attitude. At this point, I'm probably about two notches away from turning into you, or so I've heard."

He looked back down the road toward Delko, who was absently shuffling his feet along the sidewalk now, trying to look somewhat innocent. Then he turned his eyes to the road. He didn't say anything, slipping back into the role of the quiet, sullen, and lost man he had become. Danny put a hand on his arm. "Come on; let's get you off the street. You look dead tired."

If only Danny knew how true those words were.


	8. A Thousand Years

**Title:** Back to Me

**Warnings: **Slash, angst, violence, language.

* * *

**Chapter Eight: A Thousand Years**

He put up no fight as Danny directed him toward Delko and the waiting truck. He didn't say anything to either one of them as they drove down the dark streets. Obviously one of them had made a call before hand to call off the search because neither one of them used their phones while he was in the truck. He was actually looking forward to going home now. Despite the nightmares he knew he was bound to suffer he wanted to curl up in bed and let his wary body rest. Tomorrow would be a new day. And if he was lucky he would be up and gone before anyone came knocking at his door. He just wanted to go home. To sleep. So he was completely dismayed and baffled when Delko pulled his truck into Horatio's driveway. Speed had been to H's house enough times to recognize the place. The windows were a blaze with the lights from inside. Apparently Danny wasn't kidding when he said they were all worried and looking for him. As he climbed out of the truck he noticed the second SUV that sat beside the one that Danny typically drove. This one had plates from Nevada. That meant that Nick was here too. He stopped dead in his tracks. Delko kept going to the front door but Danny held back, waiting for Speed to start walking again.

Last time he had seen both Nick and Danny he had sent them. It was his trip to see them that started the ball rolling that ended up with him in the hospital again. They were both in town tonight. He had been in the hospital. Was it a growing trend? He knew he shouldn't blame them for his problems but he couldn't help it. Had Danny just left well enough alone a few months ago maybe things would have turned out different. There's a chance he wouldn't have gone running to New York and stumbled across that damn rape. Life was full of 'ifs' and no matter how much he dwelled on what could have, or might have, been there was no way things were going to change. That was all in the past.

Danny walked toward him, a frown on his face, but warmth and love in his eyes. He took Speed by the right hand, lacing their fingers together. A tingle went through Speed's body as he remembered how much he loved the other man. He wanted so badly to go back to those days, to be that person once again. But so many things had changed. He was damaged both physically and mentally. He fell into step beside Danny as they walked toward the open door of Horatio's house. What would he say to his boss, or to Nick, for that matter? He didn't even know what to say to Danny.

Inside Delko was sitting at the dining room table across from Nick, who looked up when Danny and Speed entered the room. He made no attempt to get up from his chair though. Horatio was nowhere to be seen. Speed was beginning to feel lightheaded and tired. He was going to say something about going home to sleep when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see his boss standing beside him.

"The guest room is all yours," he said. "Nick, Danny, you guys can sleep in my room. Delko, you can have the couch. I bunk on the floor in the living room. I think we should all get some sleep. We can talk things over tomorrow. It's been an exhausting, trying night."

Danny accompanied Speed to the guest bedroom. He waited in the doorway while Speed slipped his sneakers off and sat on the bed. Not even two minutes after his head hit the pillow he was out like a light. Danny decided that he wanted to stay in the room with him, opting to sleep in the lounge chair in the corner. Nick refused to sleep in Horatio's bed, sighting that he'd done too much already just by letting them stay. He took the couch. Delko retired to H's room a little after an hour after Speed's return. He was happy that the next day was Saturday and he wouldn't have to go into work. If he was lucky.

It was roughly three in the morning when Speed woke up with a start. His body was covered in a sheen of sweat. Even here, surrounded by people he knew and trusted, the nightmares came. The dark images, the horrible memories. As the nightmare began to fade he realized that all the lights were off in the house. It was dark. Pitch black. Just like it had been in that basement back in New York. He could feel a tightening in his chest; his heart began to pick up the pace. When he heard movement in the corner he jumped, believing that it was the man that had kidnapped him.

Someone turned on the overhead light. "Timmy?" Danny said in the otherwise quiet house. He was clad in only a pair of lounge pants and white socks. "Timmy, are you okay?" he asked as he crossed the floor, resting on the bed. He wrapped an arm around Speed's shoulders. "My god, you're shaking." By this time he was hyperventilating and beginning to feel dizzy from the lack of oxygen. It was causing him to panic more. "Breathe, Timothy, come on, breathe." Danny ran a hand up and down Speed's back.

"What's going on?" Delko asked from where he was standing in the door. Horatio was right behind him. Nick wasn't too far behind.

"I think he's having a panic attack," answered Danny with some worry.

Without a word Nick crossed the floor and sat on the opposite side of the bed. He placed a comforting hand on Speed's thigh. "Relax, Speed. No one here is going to hurt you. You're safe." Nick had suffered his own bouts of night terrors and panic attacks after being buried alive. Even now he would catch himself waking up in the middle of the night from a bad dream or backing off from a case because it was too similar to what he had dealt with.

Though he wasn't gasping as hard he was still having a problem catching his breath and slowing his heart. Tears sprang to his eyes. He was finally falling apart. Inside and out. He just sort of fell into Danny, resting his head on Danny's shoulder. He felt Danny wrap his arms around him as he began to sob, his panic attack finally fading away.

"My guess is that he's been suffering night terrors since the incident," Nick said softly. "I know I had my fair share of them after being kidnapped. And if he's been suffering frequent panic attacks than it explains everything. He feels weak, lost, troubled. And he didn't want anyone to know."

Danny pulled him closer. Speed loved the feeling of his arms around him, the sound of Danny's heart beating in his ear, the smell of him. He had missed it all so much in the last month, nearly forgetting how nice it was to be loved and held. As his sobs began to wind down he noticed that Delko and Horatio were still standing in the doorway. Only he noticed that they were also holding hands and that sent a million questions running through his trouble and tired mind. What was going on?


	9. From This Dream

**Title:** Back to Me

**Warnings: **Slash, angst, violence, language.

* * *

**Chapter Nine: From This Dream**

Speed spent the rest of the night sleeping in Nick's arms and Danny sleeping on his other side. There was comforting in knowing he had others with him, and from the light in the hallway that streamed in through the open door. As soon as his fit had passed they all returned to bed. Horatio leaving the hall light on for him. Nick and Danny had been too torn about the idea of leaving him alone so they stayed. He didn't mind. For the first time since he'd been rescued from that dank, dark basement in New York he slept peacefully. Maybe it was comfort in the knowledge that people he loved were there beside him. It may well have been the fact that his secret was out and he didn't have to hide anything anymore. Whatever it was it allowed him to sleep well into the afternoon.

When he finally climbed out of the pit of sleep that had claimed him he found himself alone in the bed in Horatio's spare bedroom. Had last night really happened, he caught himself wondering. Maybe he had dreamed the whole thing. Just as that thought crossed his mind Nick came strolling through the bedroom door, a soft smile on his lips. "Well, good morning sleepyhead."

Speed didn't say anything. He had gone so long without talking to the others that he wasn't sure he wanted to start now. It didn't help that he didn't know what to say, either.

"Come on now, Tim. Don't give me that silent treatment," he threatened lovingly. "I'm not one of your friends; I know how to make you talk. I know where you're ticklish," he bent down to whisper in Speed's ear, "and how to make you moan in ecstasy." Speed's breath caught in his throat as he felt Nick's lips on his neck. "Now let's get you in the shower and then we'll see about getting some food into you."

"No," his voice was gruff. "Just let me be, Nick."

Nick smiled devilishly. "No can do, buddy. We're the only two home at the moment. So come on, your going to shower. Even if it means I have to join you."

He pulled Speed to his feet and practically dragged him toward the shower. He turned the water on before turning back to Speed, who was just leaning back against the counter. Nick tried not to grimace as he looked at the bruises around his lover's neck or the fading black eye. At least his lip and the scrape on his cheek seemed to be doing better. Grabbing Speed's left arm he began to undo the bandage that was covering the cut.

"What are you doing?" Speed asked, trying to pull his arm free.

"Removing the bandage," he replied. "We can re-dress the wound when you get out of the shower. It's not like a little water is going to cause an infection. And from what I heard you got stitches anyway. So it won't be open." The bandage slipped, finally coming free. Nick took in the sight of the cut. It started on the underside of his arm near his elbow and ran diagonally toward his wrist, curling up the top of his arm. He roughly estimated that it was at least three inches long. Nick traced a finger along it.

Speed tried even harder to pull his arm free. "Stop it, that hurts."

"Oh, Timmy," Nick whispered, drawing Speed into an embrace. "I wish I could make everything better for you. I really do. But you can't keep hiding like this. We just want to help you." He pulled away. "Now let's get your ass in that shower."

As stubborn as always Speed refused, leaving Nick to undress him. He took his time, seeming to enjoy the act of undress the man he had made love to numerous times before. And to his delight Speed didn't put up any sort of fight or resistance. By the time Speed was standing there nude the bathroom was full of steam from the stream of hot water in the shower. Nick leaned in and kissed Speed on the lips. He could sense as well as see that he was aroused. Even with everything they had been through, and after turning them away it was clear that he still had feelings for them. As if reading his mind Speed pulled him in even closer, tugging on his shirt.

He ran his fingers through Nick's hair as their kisses became more passionate, more heated. How he had forgotten the familiar flutter in his stomach and the warmth in his heart that came with being with Nick. Or Danny for that matter. Before too long Nick was just as bare as Speed and they were stumbling into the shower. The hot water hit Speed's bare skin and sent a shiver racing down his spine.

Nick wrapped an arm around his chest from behind and took hold of his throbbing erection. "Now you be a good boy and get all washed up. Then we can go get dirty in the bedroom." He gave Speed's erection a slow steady stroke.

Moaning, Speed leaned back into him. "What about the others?" he groaned.

"That won't be home for a while longer." Nick's breath tickled the skin on the side of Speed's neck. "There was something they had to do at the lab. Danny decided to join them since he's worked with Horatio before. It's just you and me. However, if you don't want to shower…" Nick loosened his grip.

"No," Speed said, grabbing hold of Nick's wrist. "Please." He wasn't ashamed of the pleading in his voice. It may have only been a month but it felt like forever since he'd lost been loved, since he had last felt this way. He didn't want the feeling to go away. Speed agreed to wash up but it was Nick that did all the work, rubbing soap on every inch of Speed's body, careful to give the cut on his arm a wide berth. Every once in a while he would let his lips brush against bare skin before rubbing on the soap. Once or twice he 'accidentally' let his own erection brush against Speed. He enjoyed watching the other man shiver with pleasure.

A few minutes later they were standing on the tile floor while Nick proceeded to towel dry Speed. For the first time since laying eyes on him the Florida CSI seemed to be acting like his normal self. It was almost as though the last month had not happened. Almost. The stitches on Speed's arm were a constant reminder that things weren't the same, that so much had changed. But no matter how much they had drifted apart in the passed month there was still that attraction, that draw. He let the towel drop from his hands. Cupping Speed's chin kissed him. He felt Speed's hands traveling along his body, tracing the familiar curves.

Wrapped up in each other they stumbled into the bedroom. They tumbled onto the bed. Speed grunted in pain as Nick fell on top of him. But when Nick tried to pull away Speed held to him tightly afraid that he would lose him again. He wanted to feel the things that he had experienced before. He wanted to feel the love. To laugh. To smile. He wanted to return to who he was in the past. And maybe, just maybe, loving Nick would help him find that missing part of himself. Lost in his own thoughts he had missed the trail of kisses Nick left down his abs and over his stomach. He felt Nick slide into him and his mind was flooded with memories of a better time. A time when life was good. The words that Nick whispered in his ear were lost as he concentrated fully on the feelings coursing through his body. Almost at once they both hit their highs and Nick kind of collapsed on Speed.

"Now that was worth the long drive and the month long wait," Nick smiled. He rolled over so that he was lying on the bed beside Speed, who was still breathing heavily.

"I could have done without you falling on me," he said in a thick voice trying to mask his pain.

Nick pouted. "I'm sorry, Timmy. I-"

"It's alright," Speed interrupted. He smiled, trying to make Nick feel better. "I guess I'm just out of practice."

Nick laughed. "We'll have to fix that, won't we?"


	10. Good as Gone

**Title:** Back to Me

**Warnings: **Slash, angst, violence, language.

* * *

**Chapter Ten: Good As Gone**

Speed fell asleep before Nick could get him out of bed again. "So much for making you eat," he muttered as he left the room, fully clothed. He meandered around the house waiting for the others to return or for Speed to wake-up; which ever would happen first. It was nearly an hour afterward that brought the others home from the lab. They seemed to be in an almost jolly mood. Delko was laughing as he walked through the front door and there was a smile on Danny's face. The only one who didn't seem so happy was Horatio. They all stopped dead in their tracks when they saw Nick sitting at the table filling out paperwork. It was something Grissom had given him before leaving. A lot of the questions didn't make sense to him but he felt the need to fill it out anyway. After all, his boss had given it to him with the comment that he wanted it back upon Nick's return.

"Where's Speed?" Horatio asked as he slipped out of his shoes.

Nick looked at him for a moment before returning his gaze to the paperwork. "Sleeping, where else?"

"It's after noon," Delko piped up, his voice full of disbelief. "He should be up by now."

"He was up," replied Nick as he filled in the answer to one of the question. He felt like he was taking some sort of twisted Grissom test. "I managed to get him into the shower but he crashed on the bed before I could get him to eat anything. He's been sleeping for about an hour now."

Danny sat in the chair beside him, placing a hand on his thigh. "At least he showered. Did he say much to you?"

"No," Nick lied, hoping that the others couldn't tell. He knew for a fact that Danny could tell and that didn't bother him. They could discuss things later, without the presence of Delko and Horatio. There were a lot of things that had to be covered. But they were personal. "How was your trip to the lab?" Nick asked instead, trying to change the subject.

"Dandy," Danny told him after a moment. "I got to see Calleigh again. And I must admit, I'm a bit jealous. The Miami-Dade Crime Lab is cooler looking than the one in New York. All the glass walls and the awesome autopsy room."

Horatio smiled. "If you ever want to transfer I can always use another set of hands."

"Thanks," Danny smiled, shaking his head. "But my loyalty is to Mac and the others. And I think I would miss Sid, even if he is a bit on the creepy side."

They were able to rouse Speed for dinner a few hours later. He sat at the table with them but didn't say much. And before anyone could convince him otherwise he quickly disappeared back into the bedroom, falling into bed. When Nick went to check on him he was once again fast asleep. At least that's what the others thought. Once he was sure they weren't watching him he crept toward the bedroom door and sat on the floor. He was within perfect range and could hear every bit of their conversation.

"I'm really worried about him," Nick said as he rejoined the group. "He sure is spending a lot of time sleeping. That's a clear sign of depression. He wouldn't let me re-bandage his cut after his shower and though I can't quite place a finger on why, that bothers me. He doesn't say much, either. Like you said when I first got here, Delko; the one way conversations are getting tiresome."

Danny was the next to speak. "I'm beginning to think it was a mistake to come out here. He's not the man I fell in love with. It breaks my heart to see him this way. Neither Nick nor I seem to be having any affect on him whatsoever. At least he's here with you guys. You can keep an eye on him. Perhaps Nick and I should go, let him readjust without us here."

Speed looked down at his hands. The two people that were supposed to love him the most were fed up with him. They were already planning to return home. Did they really see coming all the way out to see him such a waste? His eyes settled on the bed with its twisted comforter. Had it really been earlier that day that he had felt so loved, so wanted by someone? Wrapped up in Nick he had felt a glimmer of the man he used to be. It wasn't enough to bring him out of his shell but it was a start. And instead of staying to finish the job the others just wanted to leave him behind. Sure, Delko and Horatio were his friends but they couldn't even begin to understand the silent torment that he went through each and every day. They weren't the ones that he needed right now. He hugged himself as a shudder ran through his body. He was all alone with no one to blame but himself. He was the one that told Danny and Nick to leave him alone.

"I think you guys should stay a little while longer," Horatio said, always the voice of reason. "None of us should be expecting a complete turn around in so short a space of time. You both have the time to stay at least a week. I don't mind the extra company. And if it helps Speed, even better."

He couldn't stand to hear anymore. He didn't want to hear them argue about whether or not his company was worth keeping. He crawled back under the covers and lay there for a few hours until the others retired. Nick opted to sleep in the lounge chair in the corner of the room that night. Danny curled up beside Speed in the bed, drapping an arm over his waist. As he lay there he wondered about Delko and Horatio. Where were they sleeping? Had Horatio given his room to Delko and taken the couch, or were they….?

When midnight rolled around he figured it was a long enough wait and that others would be deep in sleep. He carefully pried himself free of Danny's grasp. Sitting on the edge of the bed he heard Danny mumble incoherently in his sleep before rolling on to his other side. Judging by Nick's breathing he was still sound asleep. Just for good measure he walked slowly across the floor, flipped on the bathroom light and closed the door. If either one of them awoke they would think he was taking a midnight pee or something. It would give him enough time to make his escape. Walking down the darkened hallway he stopped at Horatio's door. The moonlight streaming through the window illuminated the room, and the two people sleeping in Horatio's bed. Speed looked away, wondering why Delko had never told him and trying to remember if there had been any signs that he missed. Turning slowly he crept toward the doorway. None of them really wanted, or needed, him around. So when they awoke he would be gone. Fishing around in the first jacket he came across he pulled out a pair of keys. He wasn't sure which car they went to but it didn't really matter. A car was a car. None of them would report the vehicle stolen. They would know who took.

Slipping on his sneakers, he unlocked the front door and slipped out into the night. How long before any of them noticed he was gone?


	11. Boondocks

**Title:** Back to Me

**Warnings: **Slash, angst, violence, language.

* * *

**Chapter Eleven: Boondocks**

Delko was staring at the ceiling as the sun began to cross over the horizon. It was a work day by all rights but he wasn't sure if he was allowed to go into the lab. After all, wasn't he supposed to be helping Speed? Sleeping beside him oblivious to the world was Horatio. The two of them had been sleeping side by side for how many nights now? Delko couldn't recall. He was still trying to figure out exactly what their relationship was, and as always, not getting anywhere. He thought about turning onto his side and trying to fall asleep again when there was a knock on the door frame. He propped himself up on his elbows to see who it was.

"Nick?" he inquired as he laid eyes on the CSI from Nevada. Nick usually worked the night shift but lately he'd been up earlier than the others. His body handled the shift of time rather well. Delko wondered if Nick would be able to return to his normal routine upon returning to Nevada or if it would take a few days. This morning he looked flustered and a little jumpy.

"He's gone," was all that Nick said to him.

"Who's gone?" Horatio asked, his voice still somewhat clogged with sleep. He sat up in the bed, the covers falling around his waist. He rubbed the back of his neck.

Nick ran a shaking hand through his hair. "Speed. He's gone. I got up this morning and he wasn't in bed. Danny was just sitting there. He told me that he heard him get up in the middle of the night but just assumed that he was going to the bathroom so he drifted off again. But he was gone when we got up."

Horatio swung his legs over the side of the bed. "Dammit. Where's Danny?"

"He left," answered Nick. "He didn't want to sit around and wonder where Speed was so he hopped in his car and left. He said something about driving around town, seeing if he could locate him."

"Whose car did he take?" Delko asked as he climbed out of bed. So much for rolling over and going back to sleep. Looked like he was going to have to work today after all.

"Your truck," Nick answered.

Horatio was hastily getting dressed. "I can call in a report for a stolen vehicle and tell the dispatcher to have officers keep an eye out for it, but not to stop the vehicle."

Delko shook his head as he slipped on a pair of jeans. "Don't even bother. I have a feeling I know where he went this time. Let me go check there. If he's there or not I'll call you and let you know. The others are going to be expecting you in the lab today, H. Calleigh has to testify in that murder case. With Speed out that leaves Ryan to work alone. He won't be able to handle it."

The words had a ring of truth to them. Horatio stood quietly as he thought about the best way to handle the situation at hand. Then he nodded slowly. "Alright, Eric, you go see if he is where you think he is. I'll head over to the lab."

"If you need an extra set of hands I'd be more than happy to assist you," Nick offered to Horatio. "I think I'm going to let Delko fly solo on this one. He's known Speed longer than Danny or I. in fact, if you would like, I could call Danny. We could both help out at the lab."

Horatio nodded with a smile. "That would be nice."

They finished getting ready for the day. Horatio loaned the Hummer to Delko and hitched a ride with Nick to the lab. As Delko climbed behind the wheel he hoped that he was right in guessing where Speed had taken off to. When they had worked a crime scene in the everglades one day Speed had commented so much on how he liked the peace and quiet. Every so often, usually after a pretty horrific crime, the both of them would head out to that spot and just sit, taking in the quiet of nature. Sometimes they would just sit in silence and enjoy the little piece of heaven so far away from the rest of the world. It seemed like a likely spot to go when the world was troubling to you. He drove along in near silence, keeping the radio turned down. It took him roughly twenty minutes to find the road he was looking for. As he began to drive down the dirt road he noticed that the sky had turned a rather ugly shade of gray-black. They were in for a nasty storm from the looks of things. The last place he wanted to be during a storm was out in the boondocks. There weren't many trees in this particular spot.

With a fleeting smile he pulled up behind his own pick-up truck, cutting the engine to the Hummer before climbing out. The wind had picked up and was a forced to be recon with. It whipped through the air without a second thought. Speed was sitting on the grass within range of the expanse of open water. He didn't seem to care in the least that the heavens were about to unleash a potentially nasty storm. Delko walked up beside him.

"Dude, I think we should take cover," he bellowed to be heard over the wind. A flash of lightning temporarily lit up the sky. A loud clack of thunder followed a second later. Out in the realms of nature the sound was loud enough to make both men jump. Delko grabbed Speed by the upper arm and pulled. "Let's talk in the safety of the car. Come on," he urged.

Another bolt of lightning flashed, this time closer than the first one. It was almost enough to make the hair on the back of Delko's neck stand on end. He had never been afraid of storms but for once he didn't feel completely safe standing out in the open. How many times had his mother told him to stay away from open water during a thunderstorm? Lightning and water never mixed well. He was happy to note that Speed followed him with little resistance. They managed to get inside the cab of Delko's truck before the rain began to fall. The little pitter patter of hail stones filled their ears as the small stone balls hit the outside of Delko's truck. He sighed with relief. Getting pelted with hail was never fun. He turned to Speed who was staring out the wind. The rain fell in sheets making it impossible to see anything beyond the front bumper or even the side mirrors.

"Damn, look at it come down," Delko said just to end the silence that had overtaken the car.

Speed continued to look at the window without saying anything. At least he wasn't trying to bolt from the car.

"There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about," Delko stated somewhat nervously as he licked his lips. "I need your advice on something. I could always ask Calleigh but something tells me that you'll understand it better than she would."

At least Speed turned to look at him. That had to be something, right?

Delko looked at him before turning his attention to the steering wheel. He wasn't really sure why he was doing this. Maybe on some subconscious level he figured it would be a good way to get Speed talking. Maybe close the gap that had bridged between them. Perhaps it was the simple fact that he needed to talk to someone he could always trust. "How did you know…? I mean, about Nick and Danny. How….?" The words wouldn't come. He didn't want to sound like a complete ass but he couldn't think of a nice way to phrase the question he wanted to ask.

"It just happened," Speed admitted quietly, his voice nearly drowned out by the rain. "We were only spending time as friends…and it just happened."

"But how did you know? Was it ever…weird?"

Speed sort of chuckled, a smile gracing his face.

"Oh my god, would you look at that, Speed can smile," Delko stated happily, flashing a smile of his own. It had been so long since he'd seen Speed smile. He'd forgotten what it was like.

"It's always weird. In the beginning, in the middle, at the end…" his voice trailed off. After a pause he stated, "It's always going to be weird. But you deal with it. H will eventually let you know where things stand. Give it time."

"They still love you," Delko blurted out. He hadn't meant to but the way Speed just trailed off when he mentioned 'the end' had bothered him. "They never stopped loving you. Why do you think they drove all the way out here? Hell, Nick was already half way here when Horatio called him. They love you, Speed. Why can't you let them?"

Speed didn't reply. The conversation ended on that note. It was hard for Delko to believe that he'd actually gotten more than four or five words from his friend and had actually made him smile. Perhaps there was hope yet. The rain wound down to a drizzle. Delko handed Speed the keys to the H2. He waited until Speed had left before turning the key in the ignition and heading down the muddy lane. It was time for him to head into work.


	12. Bring it on Home

**Title:** Back to Me

**Warnings: **Slash, angst, violence, language.

* * *

**Chapter Twelve: Bring it on Home**

Back at the lab Horatio was sitting in his office watching as the storm finally broke. Somewhere out in the nasty weather Delko had gone looking for Speed, and Ryan was off with Calleigh and Nick. Last time he had checked Danny was in the Trace Lab working over a few fibers as Valera ran DNA tests. Everything was running smoothly. Yet he had this feel of dread in the pit of his stomach that he just couldn't shake. Though everything seemed okay that didn't mean that it was. Not by a long stretch. He had learned that a long time ago. He watched the rain wash away the sins of the city as it blinded his view of the buildings. When it had momentarily let up he expected the day to turn bright and sunny. How wrong he had been. The drizzle lasted for all of ten minutes before returning to the torrential downpour it currently was. His phone rang; breaking the silence of the darkened room and making him jump.

"Horatio," he answered. He listened quietly while Calleigh explained how she was driving Ryan over to the hospital to get a gash looked at. She didn't elaborate how he got it but wanted to make sure that it was okay. Nick was on his way back to the lab. They hung up. He flipped his phone shut and heard the soft rap at his door. He turned to face the doorway and was surprised to see Speed standing there, water dripping off of him. "Speed," his voice was filled with surprise.

"He's confused. You have to talk to him." That was all he said before turning and walking away.

A frown formed on Horatio's face as he was once again left in the silence. The words left him slightly confused for a second until it dawned on him what Speed was talking about. Delko had clearly said something to him. But what? He wasn't normally a pushy person but he wanted to know what Delko had said and what was going on. Leaving his dark office behind he went in search of the sullen investigator. He weaved his way through the many corridors. He checked with Valera. She hadn't seen him. He stopped by the Trace Lab and found it completely empty. As was the gun vault and the break room. He was about to give up his search when he heard a sob coming from the locker room. He crossed the room and peeked through the door, immediately wishing that he hadn't.

Danny was sitting on the floor, his arms around Speed, who was crying. Neither one of them seemed to notice him as he quietly closed the door and walked away. It shook him a little to see his friend crying. Speed never cried. He was never one to show his weakness. Even when he shut them out he refused to give in and be weak. He continued to chase down suspects and put his own life on the line. For the first time he was beginning to think that maybe it was time to consider the offer that the people in charge had placed on his desk. Returning to his dark office he flipped on the overhead light and took the chair behind his desk once again. He looked down at the piece of paper that sat squarely on his desk. What answered would he give them? Would it be a yes or a no? One simple word would affect the lives of so many people and he hated having to choose. This wasn't a crime. Though there was evidence. He ran a hand over his temples like he was trying to rub away a headache and in a way, he was.

"Something wrong, H?" Delko asked as he walked through the door. He was a little wet and chose to remain standing so as not to ruin the other chairs in Horatio's office. Not that H really cared.

"I received a letter from the people who pull all the strings," Horatio began, not bothering to look Delko in the eye. "They wanted to know how I felt about Speed's mental state and whether or not he was a liability to the lab. They want to know what I have to say. Whatever I tell them will decide if Speed keeps his job or not."

Delko cocked an eyebrow. "What did you tell them?"

Horatio leaned back in his chair. "I haven't told them anything. Not a damn thing. I know that Speed is a damn good investigator. One of the best this lab has ever seen. But, lately, I've begun to question his abilities. It's clear that a lot of things from his recent past are bothering him, forcing him to build a wall around himself. I fear that this job may very well end up killing him. The cases…what if they reflect something that happened to him? Will he be able to work them, or will it just push him farther into his hole?"

"Those are a lot of good points but you can't just throw him out the door, H," Delko spoke after a minute. "You know as well as I do that things are changing. I think having Nick and Danny here is a big help. Can't you give it a week or so? Maybe you'll be surprised how everything changes. After all, we are talking about Speed. He's been here almost as long as you have."

Horatio smiled softly. "Longer, actually. He worked under Megan before I was placed in charge." He ran a hand through his hair which was something he rarely ever did. "Alright, I'll go with you on this one. We'll see how things are in a week and I'll make my choice then. I just pray that he's good to go."

Delko chewed his bottom as a plan began to form in his mind. He was thinking of a possible way to get what he needed out of Horatio and helping Speed at the same time. "Hey," he said his voice a bit shaky with uncertainty, "how about I get Nick and Danny to take Speed out for a special dinner, just the three of them? Because there's something I really need to talk to you about. And they can spend some quality time with him. What do you say?"

"If that's what you want," Horatio replied. "I see no problem with it."

"Sounds like a date, then." Delko looked down at his shirt with a sheepish grin. "I should really go change. I seem to have created a nice puddle on your floor."

He walked about the door with a silent wave. Horatio watched him go, a numb feeling beginning to grow in the pit of his stomach. He knew what Delko wanted to discuss while they ate dinner together. There was one topic he kept avoiding for the simple fact that he didn't understand it himself. He could easily deal with crimes and gun toting criminals. But when it came to issues of love and relationships, well, he hadn't exactly had the best of luck. Yelina never really loved him. There was that mishap with that lawyer chick that got deals for cop killers. And his only marriage, failed when a dirty crook shot his wife. He wasn't really sure he wanted to take the next step with Delko. There was a fear that if he did it would all fall apart and he'd lose a best friend, and maybe even something more. But he could tell that Delko wanted, needed, answers and he was going to answer them whether he really wanted to or not.


	13. A Little More You

**Title:** Back to Me

**Warnings: **Slash, angst, violence, language.

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen: A Little More You**

It wasn't hard for Delko to convince Danny and Nick to take Speed out for a special dinner and some alone time. It did, however, take them the better part of an hour to get Speed to agree to the idea. As they headed out the door for their dinner, wherever it was going to be, Delko made a silent prayer of thanks. Tonight he was hoping to get the answers to questions that had been plaguing him like crazy over the last few days. It broke his heart to know that his friend was falling apart but he needed to find solid ground for himself. He felt that maybe if he understood what was going on between him and Horatio better he'd be able to focus on Speed and helping him. After his talk with Speed earlier that morning he had been even more curious and lost. According to Speed things would just happen when they did. But Delko couldn't wait for that. He needed the answers. He needed to know so that he could sleep better at night.

He needed to know so that if he had to, he could tear the feelings from his heart and walk away.

Busying himself like crazy he got to making dinner for him and Horatio. The lab boss had been called into a meeting and would be about another hour before he came home. Delko opted to make a classic date meal, spaghetti with meatballs and garlic bread. It was an easy meal, filling, and it always smelled great. Plus, everyone liked spaghetti and meatballs. At least everyone he knew loved it. He turned on the radio and danced to the beats while he cooked. Before long he heard a key in the lock. He turned off the radio. Placing the still warm garlic bread in a basket he brought it over to the table. The spaghetti and meatballs weren't far behind.

Horatio came through the front door of his house looking somewhat tired in the eyes. He dropped his keys on the table near the front door and slipped out of his shoes before walking into the dining room. Delko came walking out of the kitchen where he had been putting the dirty dishes into the sink for cleaning later. Later, when he would think over the conversation they were about to have.

"Smells delicious," Horatio smiled as he took his seat at the table. "It's amazing the appetite we manage to work up during the day. You'd think with the things we see that food would be the farthest thing from our minds."

"Maybe we aren't really human anymore," joked Delko lightheartedly as he joined his boss at the table. His remark got a slight chuckle from the red-head. They dug into their food while it was still warm and all conversation ceased. Delko used the time to figure out how best to broach the subject that they both knew full well was going to be brought up. After ten minutes had lapsed he put down his fork and wiped his mouth with a napkin. "I know that I keep saying we need to discuss what we've become and it's probably getting tiresome, but I really need to know where I stand with you, H."

Horatio swallowed his mouthful of food slowly, trying to think of what to say in reply. "Well…" his voice trailed off. He looked at Delko who was waiting for an answer. Any answer. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to tell him the truth about his lack of moving forward. What could it hurt? "I haven't had the best of luck with relationships, Eric. When I look back over all my past girlfriends I keep seeing relationships that failed for one reason or another. I was always left standing alone in the cold. I don't want that to happen to us. You're too good a friend," he answered shortly, hoping that it would be enough and knowing that it wouldn't be.

Delko actually smiled. "Maybe all those relationships failed because you were with women and you aren't meant to be." He twirled spaghetti around his fork. "Seriously though, you know that life is full of risks. Some of them can lead to a lot of heartache but the journey is something you can't miss out on. I just want to know if I'm here to stay or if I should leave now. I don't want to dive in head first if you aren't going to be following me. You aren't the only one who's been hurt, H."

"I know that, Eric," he spoke softly, his pale blue eyes somewhat sad. "You want all these answers and I don't think I can give them to you. I just don't know what to say to you, Eric. Please, you have to understand…"

Delko felt as though someone had pierced his heart with a dagger. He had wanted reassurance that things were moving in the right direction. That he wasn't the only one that wanted to move ahead in the relationship. It sounded like Horatio wanted to move forward but was allowing his fear and his trepidation hold him back. As though in slow motion he placed his napkin on the table and pushed his chair back. He wanted to run, to be free of this before it became more than it was. Before he was too far gone to be saved. He stood without saying a word and headed for the front door. He waited for Horatio to make a move, to say something as he walked back. But he walked out of the dining room without being stopped. It broke his heart even more. Looked as though Speed had been right all along. Horatio let him know where things stood. His heart was breaking but it was better to know now, wasn't it, than to know after he'd completely fallen in love.

He was getting ready to slip his sneakers on when he felt a hand on his wrist. He turned to look at Horatio. "Don't go," his boss said with a thick voice. "I don't want to see you walk out that door. I know you want more, Eric. And I want to give it to you. Trust me, I do. But you have to be fair about this. You have to let me do this in my own time. Please…"

"H-"

Horatio pulled him close, surprising Delko who let the sentence die on his lips. There was a look in Horatio's eyes that he had never seen before. Something that sent shivers racing up and down his spine. He found that he really liked that feeling. Horatio leaned in, running a hand through Delko's hair, and brushed their lips together. It caught Delko off-guard. Just when he thought H was going to pull away he felt the kiss become more and he let it. He accepted the kiss, feeling all the underlying desire and hunger that it contained. Despite the words that Horatio spoke Delko knew that he was ready to move forward, that he was ready to leap in head first. He just didn't want to do it alone. The kiss quickly became more as both of them forgot about their fears and their failures to concentrate solely on the beginning of something new. Delko felt the familiar stirrings and he knew that he wanted more. And from the way that Horatio was tugging at his waistband, he wanted more too.


	14. Mean Streak

**Title:** Back to Me

**Warnings: **Slash, angst, violence, language.

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen: Mean Streak**

They didn't return to Horatio's house that night. The dinner lasted longer than any of them expected and it was well after midnight when they opted to head home. It was Danny that suggested going back to Speed's own apartment and bunking there for the night. The quiet investigator didn't put up any fight as they drove toward his place. He was actually looking forward to sleeping in his own bed in his own room with the familiarity of his apartment. He needed more familiarity in his life. Even after the last few days he couldn't believe that Danny and Nick were in town to see him. That they even still loved him. He didn't deserve their love. Not in anyway. How could they love him after everything that had happened? He was so broken, so lost. And yet, they wanted him. They wanted to be around, to spend time with them. Both of them risked losing their jobs and neither of them seemed to care. The question he kept asking himself was whether or not he felt the same way. Would he risk his job to keep them in his life? Were they that important to him?

He didn't say anything as his thoughts consumed him. Before he knew it they were walking up the stairs to his apartment. Out of nowhere he was filled with this sudden feeling of fear. He didn't want them to be here, after all. He was starting to get paranoid and he knew it but didn't care. He was nearly convinced that they were judging him as they opened the door and stepped inside. The place hadn't really been cleaned, not by his standards. There was dust everywhere and the trash needed to be taken out. Books were scattered all over the place. No matter how much he cleaned that was something that always remained. He needed more bookshelves and had no place for them. So books were stacked here and there. This was the first time either one of them had ever been to his apartment and he wanted them to turn around and walk right back out the door. They were judging him, he was sure of it.

"Leave me alone," he spoke in the silence of the place. Danny, who was standing behind him, frowned. Nick turned back to look at Speed. "Leave. Me. Alone."

"Excuse me?" Nick asked in disbelief. He had thought things were going well that night.

"I thought I told the two of you to leave me alone once before. I told you to go home and that I didn't want to see you anymore. And yet, for some damn reason, here you are," Speed said. With each word his voice got stronger, angrier. "I want you to get the hell out of my apartment and leave me the fuck alone. Why can't you just do that?"

"Because you don't mean it," Danny answered him, closing the door softly. "You didn't mean it then and you don't mean it now. You're just trying to push everyone away. I don't understand why."

"I'm not pushing anyone away," he growled as he headed for his bedroom, intending to close the door and lock himself in. he didn't care how childish it looked. "I just want everyone to leave me alone."

"That's not going to happen," stated Nick sounding cross himself. "I'm not leaving this place until I get some answers out of you, Timothy. If I have to quit my job to do so, than so be. I am tired of watching you slip farther and farther into the hole you've dug for yourself. You used to be a good man, a great detective. Now look at you. You treat your friends like shit and push away the two people that love you the most. You are nothing more than a fool."

"Leave me the hell alone," he practically yelled at them. Both of them had followed him into the bedroom.

"No," Nick said forcefully as he pushed Speed up against the wall. He kept a hand on Speed's chest to make sure he didn't move. "I am so damn tired of your attitude. Stop being such a fucking coward. So your life hasn't been that great. I know what it's like to be kidnapped but I didn't shut myself off from the world, Tim. You can't do that. It doesn't solve anything. So either grow up and start acting like an adult or…I'm through with you." The last of his words dropped like bombs. A lengthy silence followed them as everyone soaked in what he had said.

"You don't mean that," Danny whispered with a shake of his head. He was standing by the bed with his arms crossed over his chest. There were fresh tears in his eyes.

"I do mean it," Nick replied. He turned away from Speed and put some distance between them. "I can't give my heart to someone who isn't going to love me back, Danny. And I can't stand by while he destroys himself. He clearly doesn't want our help. I say we cut our vacation here short and just go back to our respective homes. We aren't wanted here."

In a weak voice Speed asked, "Why do you still love me? Why do you want someone who is broken inside? I mean…all the scars, the problems…why me? Why do you care so much?"

"Why shouldn't we care so much?" Danny asked, speaking the truth. "We don't care if you're broken inside. Let us fix things. Let us show you that the world isn't such a bad place. Why can't you let us do that?"

"We all have scars, Timmy," sighed Nick, his anger washing away. "Mental and physical scars. There are days when we don't want to get up because we know the world isn't friendly. But there are people that love us that make it all worth it. I love you, and Danny loves you, and we just want things to be the way they were before."

Danny sat on the bed, his head in his hands. "I would give anything to take it back, Timmy. I would. If I could go back to that day, that night, I never would have called Nick and asked him to come out. None of this would have happened then. It's my fault. I just….you...I didn't want to see you hurt yourself and I didn't know what to do. So I called him and you ran away….I wish I could have it back…" he shoulders shook as he sobbed. Nick sat on the bed beside him and placed an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close.

Speed felt his own tears as they slid down his cheeks. Why couldn't he just let them love him? Why did he have to fight the world? Would it really be such a bad thing to be happy, to look at the world like he once had? He wanted to let go. He needed to let go and he needed them to help him. He crossed the room and fell to his knees. He laid his head on Nick's knees. "I'm sorry," he cried out. "I'm so sorry that I messed everything up. I just feel so lost…"

"We'll help you find your way again," Nick whispered in assurance. "We'll put you back together."


	15. Looking for a Reason

**Title:** Back to Me

**Warnings: **Slash, angst, violence, language.

* * *

**Chapter Fifteen: Looking for a Reason  
**

_A week later…_

Speed still wasn't completely himself but he was making progress. He no longer ignored Calleigh, Delko, or Horatio when they talked to him. They even caught him smiling once in a while. And when he cracked a bad joke at a crime scene they all smiled, knowing that before too long they would have their friend back. It was going to be a lot of work though. The time had come for Danny and Nick to return to their own jobs. That meant it was up the Miami-Dade lab to continue bringing Speed out of his shell. Calleigh was threatening to stop by Speed's apartment every single day just to check up on him and talk nonsense. Delko mentioned something about maybe hitting a few clubs like they used to.

He fell a part a little bit when the time came for both Danny and Nick to leave. But they made plans to see each other again real soon. Nick even volunteered for them to come out to Nevada this time. They'd done Miami and New York. It was time to visit his state and meet his crazy friends. But he made it perfectly clear that they wouldn't make the trip until Speed was comfortable with the idea. Until then they always had the vacation home that they'd bought. The one spot that would always be theirs no matter what happened between them. There were too many happy memories there to put it up for sale. With a date set a month away they said their goodbyes. Speed hated to see them go but he knew that it was the way the world worked. And he would see them again. Until then, he had his friends to see him through.

Calleigh did stop by his apartment every day. Sometimes it would be a few hours after work, other days it was a little before work. He found that he liked having her there to talk to. It was better than having an empty apartment. And he did eventually go out clubbing with Delko. While they were out he managed to get out all the details that he had been dying to hear since he realized things had changed between his two friends. Delko was finally getting the answers he wanted. He usually spent the night at Horatio's house but they continued to take things slow and let the pieces of their relationship fall into place. Speed liked having someone he could confine in and vice versa. Of course, Calleigh eventually found everything out and spent a day pouting. The boys took her out for drinks to make up for keeping her out of the loop.

And over the next month Speed began to act more and more like himself. When he packed his bags to take a little three day vacation he knew that he'd changed, for the better. And he couldn't wait to see Nick and Danny again. He couldn't wait to pick up where they had left off. He was safe in the arms of love and knew that as long as he had them the world couldn't hurt him. Not ever again.

**FIN**


End file.
